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Lettered Roots|DIY|Home Decor

Blissful Blooms to Brighten a Winter Day

by Filed Under: Natural Home, Uncategorized Leave a Comment

Happy Wednesday, guys!  With approximately 9 days until baby is scheduled to come, I’m winding way down.  I mean, like wayyyy down.  Like, I don’t even want to leave the house down.  Thankfully, my handsome half continues to remind me of how much he loves me despite me feeling like an abnormally large beluga whale washed up on a white sand beach.  Not only do I feel huge, but I’m probably whiter than a farmhouse gable.

Since the day I met him, my guy has brightened my day with blissful blooms of color.  There’s nothing like that first peep of a yellow daffodil to remind you that things may die, but new things always come.  Daffodils have always been that sign to me of new beginnings, so it is with no coincidence that my sweet man brought some home to me the other day.  What perfect timing as we prepare for Jacob to come next week.

 

 

 

The first flowers he ever sent me were the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever received from a man.  They were gorgeous Fall blooms and really left an impression on me.  From the very start, he made me feel like I was worth his time and energy.

These were the flowers that started it all.  Probably way more beautiful in person, but the colors were amazing.

And they have continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing like some fresh blooms to brighten your day and remind you that spring is coming.  If you’re a man, score some points and get her some flowers before Valentine’s Day too.  She’ll know those come from your heart – not just ’cause you’re playin’ the part.  Ain’t I smart?

 

I Finally Finished My Christmas Stockings

by Filed Under: Home Decor, Living Room Projects, Uncategorized Leave a Comment

I promised you, I’d keep it real.  This is as real as it gets.  Yes, you read the title correctly – I finally finished my Christmas stockings in January.  Don’t judge me.  You know you have unfinished projects.  It’s nice to cross it off the list and I’m only a month late!  After pulling out the Christmas stockings this year, I realized not only were my current stockings a reminder of a past relationship, but we were adding another member to our family!  I meant to have them done before Christmas, but getting up at 1:45 a.m. to work every morning doesn’t leave me with much energy these days.

First, I had ordered some Aspen tree slices from Etsy.com to make a name sign for Jacob’s room.  I expected them to be a lot larger, so when they got here, I realized I wouldn’t be able to use them because they were way too small.  Thankfully though, they were perfect for this project so it worked out well!

I was just going to buy my stockings and either have our names monogrammed on them or print out something on my Silhouette machine, but after punching numbers, I didn’t like the cost.  After purchasing, monogramming, etc. a person can easily spend $50 a stocking and I wasn’t willing to do that.  I knew I wanted a linen stocking and I finally found some inexpensive ones through Overstock.com.  At about $9 a piece, they cost me less than $50 for all 5!

 

 

First, I lightly sanded the wood slices. Then, I stained them with Minwax Dark Walnut stain.  I was going to stain them gray, but didn’t have that color available and wanted to avoid spending more money on the stockings.

After staining the wood slices, I printed letters out on my Silhouette machine and adhered them to the wood.  I sealed the letters onto the slices using a couple layers of Mod Podge with a matte finish.

 

I let them dry overnight and the next day, I drilled a hole in the top of each wood slice.  This is where the slice will be hung from the stocking.

You can use whatever you’d like to hang the wood slices with.  Ribbon or twine is perfect.  I opted for twine since that’s what I had lying around and that was the look I was going for.

I cut my pieces of twine to about 12″ and threaded each piece through the wood slices, tying the other end to the loop in the stocking.

 

 

My plan was to add a sprig of holly berries or evergreen to the top of the stocking to add some color.

 

 

 

 

And that’s all there is to it!  Nothing like checking projects off the list, even if they are 11 months early. 😉

Merry Christmas!

My Top Baby Essentials for Baby #3

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Why isn’t this just a post about my Top Baby Essentials? Well, once you hit baby #3, you really start to prioritize.  Like, do I really need mittens for baby?  Do I really need a bassinet or a $300 stroller?  Some of you may prioritize those things, but I find it an exciting challenge to see how cheaply I can acquire stuff.  Anyone else like to save money?

This post will cover the basic essentials I believe you shouldn’t go without.

Pack ‘N Play

A Pack ‘N Play is one of those things you’re going to get your money out of.  You can have it from your first kid through your last and use it like nobody’s business.  It’ll withstand a lot of use and is a must have, especially if you travel!

 

Throw the bassinet idea out the window.  When I was a baby, mom used a dresser drawer.  If you really want to cut costs, you can go this route too.  If you can afford to splurge a little, spend your money where you’re going to get the most bang for your buck.  I know you want baby close to you so a bassinet sounds like a great idea, but how long are they really going to sleep in it?

Conclusion:  Unless someone is donating a bassinet to you, go the Pack ‘N Play route.  You can even buy extra small baby mattresses for $20 to put in the Pack ‘N Play to add a little more padding for baby.

NoseFrida

Gone are the days of bulb snot suckers.  Who knows if you were even sucking up anything substantial?  No matter what you use, baby isn’t going to love it.  Enter the Nose Frida.  This contraption looks scary and sounds somewhat disgusting, but it’s one of the most amazing tools you can have on hand when baby is congested.  By using your own mouth, you control how strong or how gentle to suck that snot out.  Before you start to worry, just don’t…the design makes it impossible to suck up any of your baby’s snot.  Instead, it goes into a small reservoir that you will clean immediately after you complete snot sucking.  The result, is a baby who is a bit agitated at you, but with a lot less snot in their system.  You also get a mom or dad with a SNOT more confidence.

Calmoseptine Ointment

Everyone has their favorite diaper cream, but I think I’ve tried them all and have definitely found that the more zinc the ointment contains, the better it works.  This ointment is the Bees Knees when it comes to ointment.  It clears up a diaper rash quicker than any other ointment I’ve tried.  It’s not very expensive and it’s pretty versatile.  Not only can it be used on diaper rashes, but it can also be used on your other children for skin issues such as burns, minor cuts and scrapes, and wound drainage.  I’ll never use another ointment!

Diaper Sprayer

This is for you brave cloth diapering mommas.  If you’re choosing to tackle cloth diapering, the one thing you can’t do without is a diaper sprayer.  Easy to install, diaper sprayers take away the headache of cleaning off freshly soiled diapers.  Honestly, I’ve never had the opportunity to cloth diaper my babies because I’ve been a working mom.  This is the first time I will have baby at home with me 100% of the time.  Everyone has their reasons for choosing cloth over disposables and mine are:

-They’re more comfortable.  It’s like the difference between wearing an adult diaper and a pair of soft underoos.  Would you want to stay in an itchy diaper for almost 24 hours?  I’d just rather make him as comfortable as possible.

-They’re cheaper and I’m all about saving money!  I’ll let you know how it goes, but I did not purchase the most expensive cloth diapers.  I did not want to make that investment and decide later that I hate cloth diapering.  I understand that part of the hate may come from not having a quality diaper, but I’m more concerned with the time required to wash them than I am concerned about leakage, etc.  If I find that I can handle the process, I’ll order a few more.   I do have some disposables on hand just in case grandma is watching him or we’re traveling.

-There is less trash.  There’s nothing like a trash can full of stinky disposable diapers and the guilt I feel throwing those suckers away, one after the other, can be avoided by just not participating.  I’m not a tree hugger, but I do try to conserve where I can, when I can.

-They’re healthier.  It seems like everything causes cancer these days.  Shampoo, fruit, carpet, your dog…I try to cut out things I know aren’t the healthiest and choose alternate products that I feel will be better for my family.  It’s also usually cheaper to make healthier versions too, so it’s a win-win!

Moby Wrap

Moby wraps are awesome, especially if you’re on your third child.  The stretchy, tight fabric holds your baby securely and snuggly to your body allowing you to free your hands to do other things.  They are much more comfortable than a typical baby carrier, especially for those with back problems.  The wrap distributes the weight of baby evenly across your entire upper body, providing relief to problem areas.

I have been fortunate enough to have two daughters who are 10 years apart, so I have always had a ton of help.  This time though, I’ll finally get to experience what all you crazy, busy mommas do..having two under 3 years old.  While I’m sure my three year-old will be a huge help because she’s super independent, I definitely foresee needing my hands free at times during the day and the Moby wrap is a perfect solution!

We will also be attending tons of hockey games where storing and pushing a stroller is impossible.  It will be much easier to carry baby in the Moby!

Tip: Scour E-bay!  Instead of $40, you can find them for less than $20.  Even if they’re used, they’re usually still in great shape!

 

Safe Baby Wash

There’s enough for baby to get used to in the dirty world without having to worry about contributing to that unnecessarily.  That’s why I try to cut out the yuck wherever I can.  I can’t say I’m a “crunchy” momma, but I do make an effort.  What is a crunchy mom?  It’s a mom who practices natural living – with everything from breastfeeding, not vaccinating, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, homeschooling, and using organic products.

I absolutely love the smell of Johnson and Johnson Baby Magic shampoo and body wash.  It’s like the epitome of baby smell, but on the “Dirty” product rating system, it has been given a 9 out of 10 and even a 10 out of 10 for dirtiness.  What does that mean?  It means that the ingredients found in the product can be carcinogenic, cause developmental and reproductive toxicity, and possible cause allergies and immunotoxicities.  Is it true?  Heck, I don’t know, but I rest easier knowing I’m possibly avoiding those things by just choosing something more natural.

If you have a specific product and want to know how toxic it is, there is an app to help you!  It’s called THINK DIRTY and it’s absolutely FREE!  Here are a few soaps I like that I know are clean:

  1.  I use Earth Mama Angel Baby Soap – It has ratings of 0-3 depending on the product and that’s just because the fragrance source is unknown and has not undergone investigation.  If the fragrance is found to be natural, the rating will change to a 0.  It has only 7 ingredients! But be careful not to get it in baby’s eyes as it is not tear-free.
  2. Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap – I use this soap to make my handsoap for my bathrooms and kitchen.  It comes in a huge bottle and lasts forever.  It has a 0-1 rating on the THINK DIRTY scale depending on the scent, but the baby soap in particular, has a rating of 1.
  3. California Baby– The good thing about California Baby shampoo and body wash is that the fragrance comes from essential oils instead of chemical fragrances.  It’s also easy to acquire as many stores carry the brand.

Muslin Swaddle

There are tons of options when it comes to swaddlers.

Swaddle Sacks- Many people prefer a swaddle sack.  What do I not like about swaddle sacks?

  1. They can be very warm (my last baby was always warm so I worried about overheating).
  2. They do not grow with baby, so it requires you to purchase a bigger one as they grow.
  3. You cannot wrap baby as tight as you can with other swaddles.

The best material for swaddling is cotton because it’s breathable and prevents baby from overheating.  Muslin, linen and other fabrics such as these are great choices.

I chose muslin for that very reason.  There are no snaps, velcro, or other fasteners that will wear out over use, it’s breathable, it’s large enough to swaddle comfortably, and they come in tons of cute designs!

Finally, for your viewing pleasure, some sneak peaks at Jacob’s bedroom:

Can’t live in Nashville and not be a hockey fan!

Growing him up right!

Daddy’s shoes his mom had bronzed years ago.  Love that we can incorporate them in Jacob’s room!

Oh deer!  I can’t wait for him to get here!

My Goals for 2018

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I don’t generally make goals for the New Year, but I do reflect on the previous year and think about the things I want to change.  The past several years have been challenging to say the least, but I have to say that this past year was my favorite.  I got to spend it with the most amazing man and we also found out that we were expecting.  I love the timing of this baby because, for some reason, it makes me feel like I have an entire year to recover.  I’d like to look back on this year when next January comes and feel like I accomplished a lot.  So as we prepare for the birth of our sweet baby boy in a couple of weeks, I began thinking about my hopes for the year.

Health is, of course, at the forefront of my mind after having a baby.  Before getting pregnant, I was at the all time lowest weight of my adult life after experiencing a nasty divorce several years before.  I’m 5’7″ and weighed about 125 pounds.  I got to this weight by doing a lot of walking to relieve stress and running in the evenings with music therapy.  I also watched what I ate.

 

So obviously my first goal is to lose baby weight.  I definitely gained the most weight with my very first pregnancy, but I have been a lot less active with this one due to some body pains that I’ve never had with pregnancy and my job, which requires me to sit at a computer for hours at a time.  Before we get into losing baby weight, lets check out the cutie and reason for all this extra cushiness.

If he’s not the cutest little guy you’ve ever seen, there is something wrong with your eyeballs.  He definitely has some excited women waiting to plant their lips on his chubby little cheeks.  His daddy, too, is elated to welcome some more testosterone into the family.

All this time, heartburn, pain, sleep loss, and body changing has been totally worth it!  Since I have to deliver via c-section, my recovery time will be a bit longer than the normal vaginal delivery.  I’m expecting to take about 8 weeks to feel somewhat normal and I even know it could be longer since this is my third pregnancy and third c-section.  To top it all off, I am no spring chicken.

My goal is to be in the best shape of my life, that is, weight not being a concern but just overall healthiness.  I want to feel good, I want to gain muscle, and I want to make sure I get this weight off for good to prevent “mom frump”.  Not only is it important to me personally, but I’m a huge advocate for making sure you take care of yourself for your spouse’s sake.  He’s definitely a motivator for me because I know he prefers to have a healthy spouse by his side.  I’ll be hitting the gym and making my recovery a priority this year.  No, I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no idea how long it will take, but I know it can be done and I have the greatest support network and man to show me what to do. 

I have always been someone to watch what I eat.  I don’t overindulge and I have never really had a problem saying no to things I like.  If I do indulge, even just a little, I experience a lot of regret.  So eating has never really been a challenging area in my life, until pregnancy. 🙂

Pregnancy does something to my mindset.  I experience a shift in my personal expectations and I let go of this resistance to overindulge in things I like.  I have restrained myself a bit, but definitely not like I normally do.  As a result, I have put on some extra pounds that don’t need to be there.  I tend to gain about 50 pounds during pregnancy and so far, I have been able to get it all off with each of my pregnancies.  Here’s to hoping this one is no different!

My goal this year, however, is to get back on the healthy wagon and make sure I’m treating my body how it deserves.  It’s just not worth all the guilt I feel to not control myself.

So no more 3 egg breakfast sandwiches, no more graham crackers with peanut butter, no more frequent coca cola splurges, and no more second helpings.  What I do refuse is to prohibit myself from enjoying things I like every now and then.  I will allow myself to eat things, every once in a while, that I love and know aren’t the greatest for my body because, well, I’m a believer in joy and I find a lot of joy in certain foods.  What’s life if you can’t enjoy it every now and then?

I’m a little bitter when it comes to this area of my life.  I haven’t rented a home since I was 19 years old when I bought my first one.  Due to the circumstances in the past several years, I was forced to become a renter again and it has been challenging for me.  We definitely plan on buying or even building eventually, but it won’t be happening for the next couple years.

If you know anything about me though, you know I get all giddy about paint, decor, and making my home feel fresh and cozy.

So here I am, in a rental home, unable to paint, replace carpet, or really hang everything I want/need to (shhhh…I’ve probably put 10 anchors in the wall, but I’m just going to ask for forgiveness because I’ve been a model tenant. 🙂

So organization is still possible and I’m looking at this renting time in my life as an opportunity to help those of you who do rent like me and are trying to make their temporary home feel like their own.  More about this below.

Can I just be real?  Messy divorces are expensive.  I’m not going to create a blog that leads you to believe my life is perfect.  I am not married to my high school sweetheart, we don’t live in a fancy house, we have to be budget conscious, and we are still trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up.  I think most people are in the same situation these days.  You’re looking for ways to cut costs, save money, and reach your dreams whether that’s to buy your own home, pay off your debt, or just land that dream job.  Well I’m finally, three years later, getting to the point where I can stop throwing my money at lawyers and throw it in my savings account instead.  I’m a pretty good saver to begin with, but I have also been deprived in life from making purchases such as dining room chairs.  Yes, I went almost an entire 10 years of marriage without proper dining room chairs.  So I want to make sure I balance organization and making this rental home a home, with saving our money.

You know those blogs.  The ones with the pictures of the perfect families with stark white teeth and coordinating outfits.  You’re not looking at one of those.  If I do happen to post a picture like that, I’ll let you in all the headaches, hair pulling, and eye rolling it took to get everyone to sit down and smile for it.

If I do a project, my goal is let you in behind the scenes because let’s face it, folks, reality is that most people’s homes do not look like a magazine.  They look lived in.  There are dishes in the sink, there are toys on the floor, there are hairballs in the bathroom, and there are unresolved issues with decor, organization, and just a lack of knowledge when it comes to doing something about it.

I want to help you, so I’m going to welcome you in to my rental, my life, my mess, and my reality, with a lot of reservations (because who wants to look like they don’t have their crap together?) and give you an honest dose of life.  Feel free to critique, judge, leave your opinions, or even throw your two cents in and give me some suggestions and recommendations because we’re all a work in progress.

So here’s my first attempt at “Keepin’ it Real”.  I despise preggy photos, but I’m going to post one here for you in my messy bathroom because I want to meet my goal.

Yes, I was about 6 months along and I’m all decked out in my Nashville, Predators gear for the hockey game and I’ve gotten much larger since then.  In fact, a week ago, when I went to my doctor’s appointment, the doctor said, “Well, you gained 2 pounds this week.”  Before you jump to conclusions and assume I overindulged in that really yummy Bluebell cookie ice cream, I actually wore Timberland boots that probably weigh 10 pounds each, so by my calculations, I should actually SUBTRACT 20 pounds for that weigh-in.  You feel me?

So that’s it.  My goals for the new year.  Attainable?  I believe so.  Do I have a lot of motivation?  I do right now, but ask me again when I have the three year-old on one leg and the newborn on the other and they’re both crying.  Ask me then and I might laugh and tell you I have no time to go to the gym.  I might even show you a picture of my living room decorated in burp rags, day old bottles, and Frozen dress-up dresses.  Welcome to reality.

Create Your Own Valentine’s Day Photo Shoot at Home

by Filed Under: Photography Leave a Comment

Creating your own Valentine’s Day Photo shoot from home can save a lot of money.  With V Day and D Day (delivery day!) quickly approaching, mixed with a little Nashville Cabin Fever from the recent Snowpocalypse, I decided it would be the perfect day to snap some much needed photos of the girls before their little bro makes his way into this world in THREE weeks!

Now, I’m no professional photographer, but I think I do a pretty good job of capturing my children’s personalities.  Not to mention, these were FREE and who doesn’t like that?

So this post will cover how you can set up, photograph, and edit your very own photos for Valentine’s Day from the comfort of your home without spending a dime!

1.  Choose a Location

This is important if you want semi-professional looking photos.  This may require rearranging some things, but the best background is just a blank wall and if you have a place to live, you probably have a wall.

Another option, if you fill your walls with stuff and can’t find a blank one, is to hang a sheet.  If you choose this option, please iron the sheet before hanging it.  There’s nothing like a wrinkly background to ruin your photos.

Another option is to use fabric or a blanket with a cool pattern.  I tried to use my fireplace as my background and I didn’t like it, so I ended up ironing a white sheet, stretching it, and taping it across my fireplace to create a blank canvas.

2.  Lighting

Lighting is probably one the most important elements, if not the most important, to taking a good photo.  Without light, your picture will not turn out well.  So if you’re choosing to photograph in your basement, you might want to reconsider.  Choose a room in your home that gets a lot of natural light.  I chose my living room.  With it’s vaulted ceilings and extra windows, it was the optimal location for setup.  If you don’t have a lot of natural light in your house, you can always take the photoshoot outdoors or add lamps.  I’ll also show you how you can correct the lighting a bit after taking your photos.

 

3.  Give Yourself Props!

Props are important.  Look around your house to see if you already have things you can use.  I found a stool with a heart on it so I thought that could make a cute prop.  My youngest daughter also had a red tricycle I thought would be cute.  I always have construction paper around too, which made for the perfect backdrop for our photoshoot.  How easy is it to cut out hearts?  After cutting them, we strung them on some glittery yarn.

 

 

 

4.  Models

It’s helpful to think about the poses and photos you’d like to get out of your shoot ahead of time.  This helps cut back on time since you’re dealing with wiggly kiddos that may not be able to sit still for long.  In fact, after taking one photo, my three year-old said, “Okay, all done!”  Well…not quite.

That leads me to the all important step 5.

5.  Bribery

When dealing with children that don’t want to do something, it’s important to have a bribe prepared.  In my case, it was leftover Christmas chocolate.  It’s a win/win!  They do what I say AND I get rid of old chocolate.  Did it work?  Why, yes….it did.  It also made for a cute “after” photo – a reminder of why I’m such a good mother.

 

6.  Camera

So what do you do if you don’t own a camera?  Use your smart phone!  The cameras in smart phones these days are awesome.  You don’t need a high tech, fancy shmancy, top-of-the-line professional or even semi-pro camera.  All you need is some good lighting, your smart phone, and a good app.

If you do have a camera though, bust that bad boy out!  I just received a lovely new Canon for Christmas from my handsome man.  He sure knows my heart!

How did mine turn out?  Lets just say I’m thankful for chocolate and I think they turned out way better than the pictures I PAID to have a local photographer take before Christmas.

And because throwbacks are always fun, here are some Smooch worthy photos from years past:

7.  Editing

I usually use Photoshop Elements to edit the photos from my camera, but being 8 1/2 months pregnant and exhausted from setting up the photo shoot, I resorted to the use of three different apps on my phone:

  1.  PS Express (a mini version of Photoshop)

2.  AirBrush (for skin smoothing and teenage pimple removal)

3.  Snapseed (my favorite because it’s very versatile!)

Another good app for getting that bokeh (fuzzy background) is the Tadaa app.  Just spend some time playing with your pictures.  I always need to edit the faces of my subjects because they always need a bit of brightening since I don’t have proper lighting.  I use the AirBrush app to brighten faces or the Snapseed app which has a “portrait” action that does a great job.

In closing, I will say it does not have to be difficult to take cute pictures of your kids.  I am nowhere near a professional photographer, but I think I have a pretty good eye and I am never disappointed when I attempt taking pictures of my kids.

Keep your eyes open because in about 3 weeks, I will be taking pictures with my camera like the Papparazzi after Britney Spears shaved head.  My sweet little boy is finally making his debut and you can be sure he will be well documented and well smooched, Valentine’s Day or not. 🙂

Decoding Tunnel Vision

by Filed Under: Family Life, Relationships Leave a Comment

 

I think most people strive to make good choices.  If they didn’t, there wouldn’t be advice columns.  There wouldn’t be radio shows of people calling in.  There certainly wouldn’t be Facebook posts with millions of comments from others who think they have the answer to your struggle.

It’s a good thing – people desiring to make good choices.

But what happens when that desire fades?

What happens when you no longer seek wisdom?

Tunnel vision.

What Would Life Be Like With the Tunnel Vision of You?

  • Making decisions would be as easy as “what feels good to me?”
  • Thinking of others would be as foreign as a new language
  • You would become a lover of yourself with no room for the love of others
  • You would be boastful and proud
  • You would be ungrateful
  • You would become disobedient
  • You would succumb to deception
  • Empathy would become non-existent
  • Selflessness would be replaced with self
  • You would become arrogant and rebellious
  • You would be repulsed by light because it is in the light that your deeds will be exposed
  • You would become disillusioned
  • Blinders would create a tunnel vision of lies

So what do you do if you think you have tunnel vision?

1.  Pray

Stop.  Has it been a while since you have prayed?  Maybe you have never prayed before.  If you’re a Christian, it’s important right now to stop and ask God for wisdom.  God tells us:

  • Turn your ears to wisdom and concentrate on understanding
  • Cry out for insight and ask for understanding
  • Search for them as you would silver, seek them like hidden treasures
  • Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God
  • For the Lord grants wisdom!  From his mouth come knowledge and understanding
  • He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity
  • He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him
  • Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go
  • For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will fill you with joy
  • Wise choices will watch over you and understanding will keep you safe
  • Wisdom will save you from evil people- from those whose words are twisted

God tells us he will grant us wisdom if we ask.  If you think you are already as wise as you’re ever going to get, you are being deceived.  Stop.  Ask for wisdom.  Ask for clarity.  Ask that God open your eyes to see yourself the way He sees you.

Have you had tunnel vision?

2.  What is it Like On the Other Side of You?

After praying,  think about what it is like to be on the other side of you.  Do you have tunnel vision?  Do you often think only of yourself?  Does trouble follow you?

Why ask yourself this?

It forces you to have empathy.  It helps you to step outside yourself for a minute and consider what others may see and how others may feel about you.

Would you want to be your friend?

Would you want to be your husband?

Would you want to ring up your sale at the grocery store?

Would you want to be your dad?

Why or why not?

We are great at rationalizing our own behavior to come up with really great excuses, but what if we were really honest with ourselves?

The following is an excerpt from a book titled, The Narc Decoder.  In the book, Tina Swithin teaches people how to take messages from narcissistic spouses and decode them into what really is the true nature of the words on the page or the text coming through.

Example:

Tina- None of the men in my family have committed an act of harm towards a woman. It’s just delusional that you have such fear of me. I have previously thought about having the exchange at the Police Department. The police department is scary setting for the children and there is no reason for it. When I was a kid Police made me nervous. You think after you’ve dragged me to court for three years over nonsense and exaggerations, I would risk yelling at you or harming you, it’s just preposterous Tina. I am not going to do anything to hurt you. I will compromise and agree to meet you at the park. – Seth

Snap, fizzle, pop” is the sound I hear as the email is processed through the Narc Decoder and within moments, I have the reading:

Tina- I have not yet created an act of harm towards a woman but I am starting to worry about the fact that three different women have now testified that they live in fear due to my instability, stalking and passive-aggressive threats. Since I have had multiple run-ins with law enforcement over the past ten years, police make me nervous and cause increased anxiety. I would prefer that we do not meet near a police station. Thank you, Seth

Here is another example:

Anna, I wish I had a mirror to have you see how you come across in your presentation.  Maybe there would be a slim possibility you could see how angry, inflexible, demanding a person you are.  Why would anyone want to work anything out with you?  You do not know the first thing about being accommodating, understanding, or professional for any matters.  So you run to your attorney to find solutions.  Besides, the selfishness that is your true self. All you know to do is fight, fight, fight.  How very sad because one day it will have an effect on your existence if you keep it up.  Find a better way to channel your anger that life is not fair for you or you may face the consequences.  Soon there will be no need to consider “the Family Wizard” for communication because I will rarely have any contact with you except to discuss logistics.  So it is totally off the table. Period. 

I, too, have plans for myself and our daughters, so you are not privileged in setting what weekend day we do the exchange.  In fact, as I said before, I gave you 18 months of many episodes of flexibility and that will not be easy to get anymore.  You can not make Sundays a unilateral condition for hours that were decided by my employer, speaking of being unilateral.  Life does not care what you think!  I will not waste any more of my valuable time today with your expressions of whining and discontentment.  

“Snap, fizzle, pop” and out comes the decoded e-mail:

Anna- I wish I had a mirror right now so I could see myself.  I could spend hours staring into my own eyes.  Have I told you lately how angry I am at my loss of power since our marriage ended?  Yes, I am angry, inflexible, and demanding and all of those feelings have escalated tremendously since I can no longer control you.  Damn you.  I refuse to compromise or work anything out with you- it’s my way or the highway.  Didn’t you read the fine print on the prenup?  I do not know the first thing about being accommodating, understanding, or professional but instead of taking ownership for my shortcomings; I am going to project my faults on you.  Heck, it’s always worked in the past.

I hate that you have an attorney to turn to for advice.  Why can’t you just let me continue to control and manipulate you?!   It’s quite infuriating.  I love to fight, fight, fight.  This constant drama feeds me because I know it affects you.  I LOVE to affect you. Speaking of love, did you know that I’m actually incapable of that?  Thank God I am so manipulative because that’s how I am able to fool women just like I fooled you.  Have you seen my mirror lately?  Aren’t you supposed to keep track of my things?

Our Family Wizard?  Are you joking? Do you really think that I want my words and actions to be monitored?  Ha! I want access to you by all means possible – text, e-mail, in person, and while shouting from the rooftops.  You want ME to agree to something that YOU think is a good idea?  Ha!  Did I mention that I’m a control freak and a program like that would not work well for me?  The only way that I will agree to use that program is if it somehow becomes my idea.  I will be sure to request that YOU be required to use it while we are in front of the Judge because doing so will play into my claim that you are harassing me and suggest the program will put an end to your persistent abuse.  By the way, have you ever heard of a program called “Our Family Wizard”? I happened to find it online yesterday and I think we should begin to use it.  I am tired of the constant harassment from you.

You want me to flexible on times for visitation.  I’m sorry, but that is a one-way street.  You must adhere to the court order word-for-word, however, I will let you know when I need you to bend.  Oh, by the way, next weekend doesn’t work for me as I have a lunch date.  I’ll need you to take our daughters for a few extra hours.

Have I mentioned how valuable my time is?  I should get paid to just be awake and breathing.  Now that I’ve thoroughly fed my sick, deranged ego, I am going to sit here and gloat knowing that you are on the receiving end of my latest attack.  I’m going to envision you breaking down and crying because that is like a high to me.

What is it like to be on the other side of you?  Are you too selfish to give it a try?  

Ask others.  Ask them to be honest.  Have them tell you, “What is it like being on the other side of me?”

3.  Create a New Habit of Sowing Good

Now that you recognize what it might be like to be on the other side of you, practice taking those things that make it difficult to be around you, and turning them into good.

If you need help doing this, try asking others again, what you can do to be better.

4.  Reflect

As time passes, reflect on your new outlook.  How has it made others’ reactions to you different?  Is it better?  Worse?  Ask others if they have noticed a difference in you.

Conclusion

The key is that you have to want to do good.  If you have no desire for good, you will continue to have tunnel vision.  Tell me how that works out for you.

It isn’t just a saying, “You reap what you sow”.  It is a fact coming straight from the mouth of God and I like to think that God knows exactly who you are on the other side of you.  Won’t you ask for His wisdom?